The worries

From young I have always been afraid of the adult working world . Because from a young age I have always been like below average capable . I have been very careless (mistake after mistake) , timid and worse of all a slow learner yet got an ego . Sometimes I really do not understand why I dun learn from mistakes and still have child like behavior , this always been a huge handicap in my life . I am aware sometime ago about this and have tried to overcome it and yet I fail . Been timid and have tried to run away from it but in the end I have to face it .It is always a challenge to me to absorb what other’s instruction are. And then the time I am out working and is already facing it , life just beat me to my knees again and again . Stress build up , confidences all gone , worries for future and wonder what punishment from this harsh world will be dealt to me . Living like this is hard , there are times I really felt that death is an easier option . Been weak and bullied by bullys in the past , now i am being bully by life . It’s so unfair , SO unfair ! I felt so helpless like I am powerless to do anything about my plight . Very afraid that switching of jobs means just running away from the problem for the moment but will occur again and again with the new job . Tears swell up in my eyes when  am typing this hoping that this was not reality . I dun mean to cause trouble for anyone else , I dun feel good to make others angry but they got mad because I could not adapt . I dun like it at all , it not like I did not try but I still sucks . I have thought about why I dun love myself , I dun love myself because I want to be a normal person who could learn and understand and then applying it easily . No one understands the hell and challenge I am facing each day   , I might look normal on the outside but inside is another world and what a world it happens to be . So where do I do next …… I got no idea … I want to hang on to my current job but seems I am too dumb to do it . Hate to admit this but I think there is an stupid tag on my back . Now slouching and my head looking on the floor , I have even lose the ability to hope for a better tomorrow .


~ by nijnail on March 22, 2012.

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